A good second date with Andrew left me wondering whether we wanted the same kind of connection. Seeing him unexpectedly at breakfast made me look more closely at how things felt between our dates.
Like everything in life, there’s complicated aspects involved even in the most uncomplicated things.
A good date and a quiet stretch
For example, take my interactions with Andrew. We had a wonderful, dream-like second date together, but apart from that, things are kind of strange. In the time that elapses between our dates, we become like strangers to each other. He totally ignores me…that is, until he decides on the spur of the moment that he wants us to get together again. We keep most of the personal details about our lives sealed away from each other. But it was okay. Though it’s actually been kind of refreshing that way, I sometimes wonder if I should just give up on him.
Last weekend, I decided. I should.
Running into Andrew at breakfast
My son Liam and I went out for breakfast with Brandon and his two kids for a fun “family date” at a neighborhood café. Andrew and I live in the same neighborhood, so I wondered as I often do what would happen if we bumped into each other. As Brandon and I were drinking our coffee, it happened. Guess who walked in to the café? Of course, it was Andrew. And he wasn’t alone. He was escorting a beautiful woman who was obviously still dressed for their date the night before.
I immediately smiled towards him and raised my hand to wave “hello.” The smile was genuine; I was happy to see him, regardless of who we were with. But then Andrew had to go and make everything awkward: I had obviously caught his eye, but he quickly looked away from me and hid his face. I tried again to catch his attention. I just wanted to give him a little nod or a wave, a basic acknowledgment, “I know you, I see you. Hello! Yes, I see her, too. Hello to her, too.” It would have been the most basic of decent things for him to do to return my greeting. I don’t think it’s nice to ignore people if you know them.
What I took from it
As Brandon and I left, I made my mistake. I looked back to see if he was seeing me. I wish I hadn’t. Andrew’s lovely date was looking right back at me over her shoulder. What made her watch me? My thought that followed was galling. Had Andrew just followed the script from the “dream” date I had shared with him, but with her in my place, the previous night? Was everything with him an act, his date routine? Was I just another passive participant in “The Andrew Show”?
I joked with myself later about how next time I saw Andrew I’d tease him that I was being discreet so he wouldn’t be jealous of Brandon, my own captivating companion that morning at the café. But then I thought some more, and realized that Andrew probably wasn’t even worth wasting my silly joke on! His behavior that morning left me uncomfortable, and I decided to stop trying to make sense of it.
One awkward encounter can leave plenty of room for interpretation. I had more to go on in the pattern I’d already noticed: we rarely spoke between dates, and I kept wondering where I stood.
Read the infographic in text
After a good date goes quiet
Use what happened to choose your next step.
- Describe the facts Notice the last plan or message and separate it from your guess.
- Check what you want Ask whether you would enjoy another date even if the silence felt confusing.
- Make one clear invitation Suggest a specific plan if you still want to meet and give them room to answer.
- Use their follow-through Keep other plans and decide how much attention you want to give the silence.
You can enjoy the date and still choose to stop waiting for contact.